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Of all the bad books, there are just a few that are horrible enough to make a lasting impression.  If you don’t want to join the ranks of writers who have written books that truly rank, avoid these classics.

“Tim’s* eyes popped extraneously from their sockets.”

It seems to me that eyes popping from their sockets would be anything but extraneous or irrelevant.
“The lamp’s glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement.”

Clearly the blue glow was much stronger since proclaiming its independence.

“It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before.”

That must have been some powerful smoke to fill lungs with inspiration for new inventions and discoveries which will surely benefit mankind.

“That’s probably the fiercest dragon known to man.”

Opposed to the docile dragons we’re all so accustomed to.

“The stranger was beastly in size with thick, bushy eyebrows, a prominent protruding forehead, and a thick, black coarse beard.”

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but that doesn’t mean a thousand words are necessary to create a picture.  

“His gait was that of a mammal–a Neanderthal.”

Even a caveman knows a Neanderthal is a mammal.

“Of all the things to think, he never thought he’d think that.”

Only Dr Seuss can get away with logic like this.

“She watched him go by his muscles pulsing and rippling like waves under a thin blanket of tanned skin like a freshly baked cinnamon cake.”

Mixing metaphors results in a sticky mess, like a freshly baked cinnamon cake.

“It was when he was seated that one became aware of the nobility of his forehead, completed by the curve of his aquiline nose, on either side of which was a pair of shrewd, hawk-like eyes.”

I’m sure people did notice his eyes, since there were FOUR of them!  Speaking of eyes….

The man was eating a fish that still had its head on and was drinking red wine in great gulps. The fish’s eyes looked alive.

A fish drinking wine in great gulps will liven up any event.

*Names have been changed to protect the fragile egos of writers who have tried and failed. But they have tried and that is so much more than many others will ever do. While the obvious lesson is what not to do, there’s also a lesson in bravery.  Be bold and write, even if it’s not perfect. 

Want more? Check out 101 Writing Tips