Who says police work is all drama and no comedy? If you’re writing a crime novel consider lightening the mood with an infusion of humor. The following are based on (mostly) true events.
Who you gonna call?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Cops crack ups
“No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”
“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven”
“Just how big were those two beers?”
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t!
BTW, here’s a great resource for writers - Dispatch Codes for 911 emergencies.
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